An Open Letter to Brad Pitt

Dear Brad,

Welcome to the Three Under 3 club! You're membership application has been accepted. I hope your family is adjusting well to the new arrivals.

I know that your twins are now 6 months old, but if you’re anything like I was in those early days of three in nappies, it’s only now that you’re just coming up for air. In fact, I have no memories that I can recall from that period of my life, even with the help of photographs! I’m betting that for the first time, you’re probably thankful for being paparazzied, or your memories of the era would be gone too. Isn’t parenthood so wacky and fun like that?!

Besides all that we’d have to talk about, (and by the way, please let Ange know that I don’t find you at all attractive; well, except for maybe your abs) I wanted to pick up on a something you said in a recent interview. Incidentally, I know it must be hard having people scrutinize every utterance that comes out of your mouth, but you’ve been around the biz a long time now and you know: this is the price of fame.

Recently you were quoted as saying, ‘One thing sucks – your face kind of goes.’ I didn’t have time to read the whole interview (since I have to catch up on all my goss in the checkout line) so I don’t know exactly what you were asked - whether it had to do with getting older or having children specifically. But I’m going to assume that this comment was made in connection with the experience of becoming a parent. You’ve seen those photographs of former presidents at the beginning of their term side-by-side the ones of them at the end of their term? My, how they age! Decades in just 8 short years!

Well, parenthood has that very same effect. This is one of The Secrets all parents know but don’t tell non-parents, either out of cruelty (my theory) or because they don’t want to completely put you off the experience of having children. (Especially in your trade – is it any wonder Jenn wouldn’t take the plunge with you? While your looks become ‘distinguished’ her acting roles would’ve just dried up. Then she’d be forced to pretend that she was just ‘taking a break from acting’ and 'being really choosy about her roles' because she looooooved motherhood so much. Like Julia and Gwennie have had to do. Next victim: Nicole.)

And since you haven’t inhabited our world since circa 1991, when at the tender age of 27 you catapulted to fame via Thelma and Louise, I thought it might be handy to remind you that most of us don’t have a team of image consultants,nutritionists, massage therapists and aestheticians to stave off the onslaught of aging. Nor do we (generally) employ a round-the-clock team of nannies; nor do we have at our disposal a quiet French villa to retreat to.

And let me tell you Brad, since you’re not married to a mere mortal, that it’s not just your face that goes. Oh no. Although I was somehow miraculously spared stretch marks, the content of my bra now resembles two deflated tires from one old Huffy. I have a goatee I struggle to control (apparently leftover from pregnancy testosterone), thus ironically lengthening my daily grooming ritual when I have less time to spare than ever before. And I won’t even talk about ‘down there,’ nor will I share the embarrassing incident I had in a post-partum yoga class involving said area.

That aside, I do find it refreshing to hear you admit that you’re not immune to the aging process. (Yes, I admit, you will look a hell of a lot better than the rest of us while doing it.) Although you’ve been touched by the gods in so many ways, even you can’t outrun Father Time. See? I guess parenthood really does level the playing field.

Sincerely,
Kelly Shaw

P.S. I don’t think you and George can bring back the moustache. Since most everyone still finds them creepy, this is an awesome feat and I think you’ll have to get the careers of both Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds resurrected first. Now there’s a challenge for you.